Long long looong time no blog!! For 2 reasons: online uni is actually so mentally exhausting, if I’ve had spare time I’ve definitely not wanted to spend it looking at a screen (as much as I adore blog a logging), and because I’ve not been quite sure what to write… not because I’m scared of being honest or truthful, but because I don’t really know how I’ve felt, or how to express it.
BUT HERE I AM AGAIN, hellllOOo!
Tbh, I’m not sure how coherent this blog post will be, I don’t feel very coherent right now (as I’m writing it) so it will, most likely, reflect – I apologise in advance!
Eating disorders, due to the physical danger they often present, are distracting illnesses. As I’ve progressed with my eating disorder recovery, my relationship with food has normalised and my body has began to fully trust me (or, heal), the underlying causes and contributing factors to the development of my anorexia nervosa have begun to present themselves more, and more.. and more (*sighs*).
For me, this has presented itself in the form of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and tbh it really sucks. It’s exhausting. My mind is constantly racing. I feel on edge. I feel unsafe. I feel scared. I feel upset.
And, actually, I almost feel annoyed!
Disclaimer: ‘almost’ because this is an emotion I find difficult to feel in itself, for various crazy reasons.
I put in the shit tonne of work that it takes to get through the tormenting physical and psychological recovery process from anorexia. This was meant to be my time to get out there, adore every moment of life and move on from the past… And, honestly, I have been enjoying myself a lot more than I did a few months ago, or when I was still physically unwell BUT I haven’t have the peace of mind I so hoped for. Far from it.
Half the time I don’t know how or what I’m feeling and things can pretty overwhelming pretty quick.
The difference now is that I know this period of instability won’t last forever. I know that I don’t have to disappear, that (maybe) I don’t deserve to disappear. This time I know I can cope with this. I know I have the support I need to get through this – from my crazy family and equally as crazy friends. I know that it is okay to take things step by step … day by day … moment by moment, and there is nothing wrong with that.
I think I’ve named the title of this blog ‘Onions’ for this reason – because I feel like an onion. I’ve peeled away one layer but there’s a lot more below the surface, popping up. But, that’s okay. Onions don’t have infinite layers, and this pain will end.
Asking for help is difficult, especially if you don’t feel like you deserve the help, but the sooner you admit that things aren’t going well the sooner help can be put in place. The help that you need, and the help that you deserve. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with everyone around you.
Be kind to yourself.
Recognise that the journey to recovery isn’t linear. Recognise that it’s okay for peaks and troughs.
The world doesn’t need you, you are 1 of 8 billion. You don’t live for others, you live for yourself.
Love E x