The future

I should be revising stats right now (according to my revision timetable) but I have this overwhelming urge to blog so here I am! I haven’t used my blog in foreveeeer, I guess the truth is that I have’t felt like writing. Prior to Christmas I set myself a little weight gain target (which I reached btw wooO) and emotionally, on top of uni / lockdown / 2020 in general, it took its toll on me.

Late October I decided I’d had enough, I was tired of functioning with anorexia. Ultimately, that’s what I was doing, I wasn’t critically ill but I wasn’t recovered. I was living a half life, constantly walking on a worn down type rope – scared of falling off in case it led to another hospitalisation but even more terrified to gain anymore weight and face the feelings that would, inevitably, come with it. I’d had enough of it. I’d had enough of wasting another day controlled by this illness. I set myself a goal for Christmas.

So when in December I found out I had reached my goal, had a socially distanced wiggle and hug with my therapist, why did I not feel elated? I had done it. I’d been eating what EMMA wanted, when she wanted and I’d almost enjoyed every moment, but here I was laughing (with excited happiness) and simultaneously had tears streaming from my eyes.

Gaining weight meant so much more than just leaving behind my child-like body.

Gaining weight has given me:

  • Laughter
  • Happiness
  • Trust
  • Hope
  • Confidence
  • Bigger boobs
  • A bigger bum !!
  • Laughter
  • Freedom
  • A true smile
  • Concentration
  • Nourishment
  • Thicker hair
  • To love and be loved
  • Laughter
  • A future

… the list goes on (no, honestly, it does).

And, at the same time, gaining weight has left me feeling exhausted, worn down, terrified, scared, unsafe, grieving, lost, worried, nervous, worthless, sad and confused.

But, the difference is, these feelings are only temporary.

I know I will get past this mess of confusion and grief.

Losing my life to anorexia is permanent.

And, I don’t want to lose anymore life to the shackles of anorexia.

Recovery from an eating disorder is glorified all over social media. Recovery is laughing with a slice of chocolate cake in one hand and a hot chocolate in the other, it’s a glass of Prosecco and bowl of creamy pasta. It is only one side of the story.

The truth is … recovery is a mess.

It leaves you feeling confused and lost. It leaves you feeling scared. You grieve the body and comfort anorexia gave you. You have to actively choose to eat every single meal and snack of every single day. Until one day it’s no longer a choice. Until one day you realise you didn’t have to wage a war in your head at breakfast, or fight with yourself at dinner. Because, eventually, recovery is worth it. Eventually you begin to understand everyone who says recovery is the best decision they’ve ever made. Eventually you know recovery is worth it.

There is no going back. You grieve during recovery because you are reinventing yourself . You become something completely different from what you were before. And, that is okay. It is daunting and it’s exciting.

So, as we welcome in 2021, here’s a reminder:

You don’t have to feel hopeful about the future, just a little curious about what is coming.

Love E x

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