Anorexia nervosa has brought me a lot of pain. It has given me 11 years of shame , guilt, distrust, unhappiness and disappointment. It has ruined relationships with my family and friends. It has ruined my education (well, temporarily… back @ it now yAay). It has ruined my hair. It has ruined my confidence. It has ruined my self worth. It has ruined my relationship with my body. It has ruined my love for ballet. It has ruined a lot in my life. Yes, anorexia nervosa has given me pain but…
But, anorexia nervosa has given me something else.
My eating disorder has given me the ability to empathise with others. Living with anorexia nervosa has taught me not to judge anyone. Ever. Living with my eating disorder has taught me to be kind and compassionate, to others and (I am accepting) to myself. My eating disorder has taken me close to death but it has shown me what is most important in my life, my family and friends. Happiness and health. Anorexia nervosa ruined my trust in people but it has shown me that trust can be rebuilt, trust isn’t irreparable. Anorexia nervosa has shown me that hope can always be found, even in the darkest moments and scariest places. Speaking out about anorexia nervosa has shown me my true friends and their unconditional love, care and compassion (thanku u crazy lot). Living with anorexia nervosa has proven anorexia nervosa wrong. It has shown me that my family do love me unquestionably and will stick by me through everything. It has shown me that I do deserve hope. Anorexia nervosa has shown me the best in people. And, it has done the antithesis of what it wanted, anorexia nervosa has shown me that life is worth living without anorexia nervosa. And that recovery is always possible.
And, most importantly, living with anorexia nervosa has taught me that I do not want to be defined by my eating disorder. It has taught me that I am not my eating disorder, far from it. I am Emma, and I refuse to shrink myself anymore.
So thank you but no thank you anorexia. See you never.
Love E x